Finding the value from experiencing trauma
Experiencing a traumatic event and/or a long, negative protracted experience (such as childhood physical or emotional abuse) changes people, albeit mostly temporarily. Trauma is experiencing or witnessing an unexpected negative event, such as a car accident, a fire, a crime, a serious illness within the family, betrayal, or loss, to name a few examples.
Our brains don’t want to die, and we have incredible processes at play to keep us safe, and most of them are unconscious. When we feel threatened, our unconscious mind chooses the best way to keep us alive. Adrenalin, which is only in the body to keep us alive, will allow the brain to quickly determine the best option to keep us alive. We may feel we can fight our way out, we can run, we can fawn, and mostly, people freeze. That doesn’t mean that you are a statue; it means that you think clearly, become practical, often calm, and focused. The adrenaline lasts for much longer than the event itself. You don’t have to shake to have high adrenaline. Often, people around the person who has been in a negative, shocking experience, feel it more than the person themselves and this is normal and part of the freeze response. Eventually, and we are all different, the freeze thaws, and the brain believes that it is safe enough to feel the feelings.
So how do we make good come from trauma? I have two very clear examples of this. One client I saw about twenty-five years ago was hijacked and put into his car boot for a few hours. When he was freed, we worked together for some time. He was a professional who earned well. He understood that for him, his survival was a second chance at life, and he decided to follow his passion, which was to give up his career and become a carpenter instead.
The other example was of a young man in his twenties who was given a lift by some guys he met at a club, and he was abducted and taken to a township. He was stripped, and luckily, he was able to escape. He got back to town following the light of the moon and walked to the city. I saw him for some sessions, and then he asked his parents to come for a session. His father was unemotional, focusing on the crime of the day, but he couldn’t focus on the needs of his son. At the end of the session, I asked them to come together for a family hug. The father said that he wouldn’t do it because he didn’t believe in touching boys over the age of 12. I took his hands and wrapped them around his son and they both burst into tears and clung onto each other. My client said that he would happily go through that awful experience again if it was going to result in his father breaking through his old childhood beliefs of how to operate in the world with boys and being able to embrace his son.
These are what I call ‘high volume’ examples, but people make changes that are beneficial to them, even though they don’t often realise that they have changed. Strangely, loving friends can cause problems for a person in trauma. They either tell the person that they experienced something worse, give their opinion as to how they would have handled the event, and/ or give advice on how to heal emotionally. People come from a good place, but for the person who is experiencing the aftermath of something very difficult, they don’t want to hear it. They will find that they begin managing those friends from a distance. They don’t want to see them that often because they are not being helpful; they are not being tuned into the needs of the person who is struggling. Often, friends and family will tell people what they should do, and it makes the person retreat into themselves for a time. Someone who has experienced trauma, where their brain believes that they were in danger of harm or death, will be much more selective about the company they keep.
In counselling, a client will be told about the value of getting the adrenaline out of the body that they are still holding. In my case, I urge clients to box my boxing bag with professional gloves for three sets. Some go on for longer. The movement releases adrenaline as do tears. Exercise will give them a feeling of well-being while releasing stored tension, and many clients go on to exercise, which leads them to eat better, feel proud, and enjoy their achievements. The prouder you are, the higher the standards that you set for yourself. It changes negative self-esteem when you feel proud. A lot of clients start painting or journaling or start gentle yoga to help themselves express their previously unacknowledged feelings.
I encourage people to really look within to see what they themselves want. We talk about crying, exercising, or talking to empty the emotional tank, and then we add gold stars. The gold stars could be feeding the birds, learning salsa dancing, learning to bake, going to their place of worship, and there are many more examples. There is an expression that I love. It’s called ‘cry hard and swim’. It means cry hard for your pain, but keep moving forward. When the client can start to imagine what life they can create for themselves with consciousness, the results are incredible. They get excited about their futures. I have had so many emails from clients who told me what they had adjusted and often, released from their lives. Some have felt so much more confident in themselves that they don’t tolerate bad or rude behaviour from their children (and sometimes spouses!). This is not a quick turnaround, but it is a path to success, and success breeds success!
If you are struggling to manage anxiety or the lingering effects of trauma, you don’t have to do it alone. With over 28 years of experience in Cape Town, Debbi Rozowsky offers a compassionate and practical path to resilience.
