The Advantages of Marriage Counselling: Rebuilding Connection and Communication
THE ADVANTAGES OF MARRIAGE COUNSELLING
I have seen many couples in my counselling room. Often, only one participant is eager to be present, while the other is open to listening to their spouse in a controlled setting. Couples counselling usually transpires when they feel that they are not being listened to, acknowledged, understood, and/or lied to by the other. The resentments have usually been growing for many years, and it is one event that can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
My overriding question is what the couple hopes to accomplish in the session. Are they ideally wanting to reconcile? The session starts with one person speaking to the other while the other listens, without interruption. When that person has finished, I ask the person listening to repeat what they heard their spouse say. The other person does the same thing. Many times, this is the first opportunity a couple has to really listen and not interrupt with rebuttals.
Understanding Unmet Expectations and Relationship ‘Landmines’
Unmet expectations often cause problems in relationships. One person may expect a three-course dinner every night on the dining room table once they are married, because that is how they were raised. The spouse might be very confused if they only had take-outs before the wedding and their partner was aware that they didn’t cook.
Marriages are fraught with landmines. People are afraid to share their full feelings with their partner as they don’t want to be judged, misunderstood, or blamed for the feelings they have. Many people walk on eggshells as they don’t want to upset the equilibrium. Some check out physically and/or emotionally, where they don’t engage because it feels too risky. There are expectations where one partner believes the other partner should help more around the house, while the other feels they are working all day and the other should step up more.
Identifying Negative Dynamics: The ‘Parent-Child’ Trap
An interesting dynamic occurs when there is a ‘power-shift’ in the relationship. One partner acts as a parent a lot of the time, criticising the other partner. The other one can act more like a child or a teenager. That means they can sulk, shut down, take no responsibility, be overly self-centred, be reckless with family finances, be excessively reactive and angry at small things, be very needy, controlling, or irresponsible.
It becomes the norm where there is exasperation from both partners. The cracks become deeper, the atmosphere at home becomes tense, neither wants to back down, and the conflicts come faster and become more amplified. A lot of couples come for counselling because there are sexual problems. One partner wants to be more intimate than the other, and they both become resentful. This, added to stored resentments, often brings the couple to the end of their capacity to hold the reality of their situation.
Clearing the ‘Straw’: Tools for Resolution
I ask both spouses to write a list of all the issues they are concerned about in their relationship. I then ask them to highlight the issues that are most damaging to the relationship in their view. Every resentment must come out. I refer to this as the paper that gets stuck in a drinking straw. It is hard to drink smoothly when there is paper trapped inside. We are there to remove the paper, examine it, find understanding as to why it is there, and find solutions or tools to prevent it from entering the straw again.
In terms of sexual differences, it is often due to the position each is taking in the relationship. If one is the critical parent and the other is the naughty child, intimacy is affected. It is not appropriate for a parent to have sex with a child. This does shock them, but marriage is meant to be between two adults.
Re-learning Communication and ‘Cashing in Stamps’
An important part of marriage counselling is re-learning communication. We all tend to interpret what we hear according to our own histories and triggers. I use a mechanism called ‘check it out’. Check with your partner what you interpreted their comment to mean. If your partner clarifies their meaning, you need to believe them.
Finally, there is the concept of ‘cashing in stamps’. We collect grudges like stamps in a book. Counselling helps couples empty their stamp books. The goal is to learn to cash in your stamps as you get them — sort it out that day. I recommend a five-minute check-in at the end of each day. When issues are resolved, the air is lighter, love can shine through, and they can find each other as adults.
Author: Debbi Rozowsky Debbi is a published Cape Town–based counsellor with over 28 years’ experience in trauma, anxiety, grief, and life challenges. She offers a calm, compassionate, and practical approach, helping clients gain clarity, emotional balance, and resilience. Her work is informed by both professional expertise and lived experience, providing a safe and supportive space for meaningful healing and growth.
Rediscover Your Connection If your marriage feels like you are “walking on eggshells” or caught in a cycle of resentment, professional support can help you clear the way forward. Debbi Rozowsky provides a structured, compassionate environment to help you and your partner communicate as adults again.
