How to Support Someone Who Is Ill: Practical Advice for Loved Ones
HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO IS ILL
Many years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully, it was found early, and it has never returned, nor is it expected to, according to the oncologist. I learnt from my own experience and from many clients whom I have counselled over nearly three decades of working in this field, that people, unwittingly, cause problems for loved ones in terms of how they manage their loved ones’ illnesses.
An ill person feels very vulnerable, whether they are conscious of the feeling or not. Suddenly, their body is not stable, not predictable, and it is a scary feeling. Loving family and friends will not be especially tuned into this in many instances. I remember, in my case, a good friend telling me about her family friend whose cancer went from one organ to another in a very small space of time. That might have gone over my head had I been in another situation, but in the hospital bed, it was a blaring alarm. Logic is not always present at vulnerable times, and even though the doctor told me that it wasn’t going to happen in my case, I believed my friend’s story was going to be mine.
The illness doesn’t have to be cancer; it can be lots of other things that make people feel sick and keep them in bed for a protracted amount of time.
Understanding the Vulnerability of Illness
Talking over the patient, as though they aren’t there, while talking to other visitors, is not advised. The patient is already feeling excluded from normal life, invisible and unimportant in the world happening outside the window. Include the patient, even if they don’t know the people you are talking about. Many patients are happy to hear stories about visitors’ lives; it keeps them distracted from their own situation, and they feel part of the story. There are, however, patients who don’t want that. It is best to ask the patient what they feel like talking about. The patient may not want to chat and just lie with their eyes closed, knowing that you are there, making them feel safe. It depends on the person, and it depends on the day.
My clients tell me that when their friends talk about the past fun they all had together, it is a wonderful experience. The person sees themselves as part of a happy group, in good health, like the other friends, and it takes away anxiety as to what the future may hold, for that time.
Practical Support: Doing Over Talking
When the patient goes home, practicality is the way.
Do something rather than sit and chat all day.
- Take the child to ballet,
- clean out the dustbins,
- put the washing on, and
- empty the dishwasher or do the dishes.
A list of meals that the friends make ensures that someone in the circle brings the family a cooked meal for the time the ill person is not able to do it. This is highly valued.
I remember clearly, and this was over fifteen years ago, when I was in hospital, my good friend would be the last visitor of the day. She took out her cream, told me to close my eyes and mouth and she massaged my feet. When she was finished, she kissed my forehead and left. She knew that I had been talking all day, and she was there to give me something, not to get anything from me. What a wonderful and thoughtful thing to do!
Creating Boundaries: The Role of a Gatekeeper
My clients tell me that they don’t want visitors all day when they get home. It is tiring, and sometimes they want their own time to sleep or just rest. What I have been told is to arrange for one of the close family members or friends to create a WhatsApp group of all the potential visitors. That person puts visiting times, or no visiting times, on every day. They can ask people to tell them what time they would like to come for a visit, and the gatekeeper can advise the length of time that the person can visit on that day. The ill person needs a gatekeeper.
Empowering the Patient: Choices and Decision-Making
An interesting point I learnt while supporting a family whose family member was actively dying was that they needed to allow the ill person to make her own decisions. It offers the person choices in their own lives, which is empowering. The ill person wanted to wash her own dishes and not have her children or friends do it. That is what she always did, and she could still manage it; she said she felt more ill if they didn’t allow her to make her own decisions.
I work with families in this situation, as what affects one member of the family affects the whole family. Everyone is equally important to be heard and attempt to have their own needs met, if possible. The daughter, in this case, thought that she was helping her mother, showing her love and support, and it was wonderful that her mother shared her reaction to the kind gesture.
Meaningful Connections for the Terminally Ill
People who are terminally ill often have periods when they feel energised and want to do things and see people. One of my clients who was in this situation wanted to go with his wife to a nearby coastal town for the weekend. His wife was concerned about doing it, but after working through her anxieties, including what she needed to do if he became more ill, they went for one night. This was after consulting his doctors.
Working with terminally ill patients is very rewarding. Chatting to the person and suggesting different activities is usually met with great enthusiasm. I suggest making a video or recording a long message to family members, writing down favourite recipes, and making an audio or video recording of stories from their lives. Parents can decide to write or make an audio or video recording of what they would like to tell their children when they are older, give them advice, or just to tell them old stories and share their love for them.
People are told if their situation is dire, it is not going to scare them to suggest these things. They often feel helpless, and this gives them options to do something meaningful. They may want to knit, read a good book, or have someone show them how to put on audiobooks. Often, music from their youth is a favourite. It takes them back to a happy time in their lives, and the lovely memories come back.
Illness support is all about attuning yourself to their individual needs on a particular day. It honours them and makes them feel seen, appreciated, and valued.
Author: Debbi Rozowsky Debbi is a published Cape Town–based counsellor with over 28 years’ experience in trauma, anxiety, grief, and life challenges. She offers a calm, compassionate, and practical approach, helping clients gain clarity, emotional balance, and resilience. Her work is informed by both professional expertise and lived experience, providing a safe and supportive space for meaningful healing and growth.
Find Support for the Journey Ahead. Navigating a serious illness – whether it is your own or that of a loved one – can be an overwhelming emotional journey. Debbi Rozowsky provides a compassionate space for families and individuals to find clarity and strength.
